To be a Widow (Headmistress's office late 2054 )

Kiara sat at her desk signing mountains of papers, papers she wanted for her self… once she was done that she had research to work on… and that was never done.. She had to keep working she couldn’t stop if she stopped she would sink and drown…

She was now a widow… her beloved husband had died after slowly fading away after a stroke, the most painful years she ever had… not being able to do anything but helplessly watch as her beloved faded right in front of her eyes… when he passed he no longer remembered much… only her and Rossa did he still recognise.. When he was gone she felt incomplete as if a large part of herself was missing, she hated it. She was lonely… yet she couldn’t bring herself to live with one of her children… burdening them.

No she couldn’t do it.. She didn’t want there pity… to be the poor widowed mother that lived with one of her children… like a spare wheel.. She wasn’t like that… She was in her mid 60s still not every old and still didn’t look a day over 40.. But then she didn’t like being home by her self… without Ciaran.. The house they had lived in no longer seemed like home to her… So in her mind there was only one thing she could do… let Hogwarts consume her..

To be always working… to keep her head above the water… or let the grief consume her.

With heavy cane in hand, Horatio knocked against the thick centuries old door that guarded the inner sanctum of the Headmistress of Hogwarts. He was currently a member of the staff again, although his dear Hufflepuffs were not under his wing anymore and History of Magic was someone else's subject to teach.

No, he was only a substitute for ailing or busy professors... his advanced age and ailing heart had brought him to the point that he had had to admit weakness. Beside him, his wife stood, her face its usual emotionless mask of calm. Their marriage had survived despite horrible pain that both had given each other and ironically his heart nearly failing had brought them back together when nothing else had been able to. Eglantine still taught her two subjects and remained the staunch Head of Gryffindor.

"She needs to take a break." he whispered softly to the other witch behind his wife. Esis nodded, tucking a greying stand of unbrushed hair behind her ear.
"I know her body needs a break, Horatio, but... maybe we should just let her be... She needs to keep going." The astronomy teacher murmured, tears shining in her large eyes. It had hurt her deeply when her friend Ciaran had died. She had viewed the younger man as closely as she's viewed Kiara.

"We won't say she needs to do anything." Horatio gave in, nodding. "Just to say we'll be there for her." Eglantine knocked on the door again, ignoring the conversation.
"Lenty?" Esis queried.
"I agree." she murmured, finally. "And do try not to rant, Lachesis..."
Esis bit her lip.
"I'll do my best." she sighed. Tissue wiped her eyes and nose and she took a deep breath. "Are you going to invite her to live with you two?"

Horatio's eyebrows knitted.
"I'm not sure." he muttered, desiring nothing more than to have Kiara live with him and Eglantine. Still, she might desire her space especially after Ciaran's death. He wasn't sure what exactly Kiara currently wanted though...
"I will suggest it... but it is up to her." Eglantine stated. She removed her glasses and wiped them against her robes as she awaited the door to be answered.

Esis nodded, it made sense. She would invite Kiara to live with her, but her flat was barely big enough for her... plus it was in France and she spent most of her time with the McKevin, McConn and the branching families in her break time.

Kiara sighed as she lifted her head from her papers, wards at the door telling her who was there.. Horatio, likely coming up to tell her to take a break.. Eglantine to smooth out and comprimse and Esis, to lecture, and rant for working to hard...

Taking a breath an running her hand over her face she shook her head, "Merlin help me" she muttered runing her hand through her now chin length hair... She had it cut... Ciaran had always liked her long hair...

Wincing she blinked away tears... and wave her hand at the door openeing it..

"Come in... " she said warily putting her eyes back to the work on her desk...

"I hardly need to ask what I need to ask what you three want...so I won't ask... and I will tell you now you are wasting your time.." she said almost automaticly..

The trio of loyal professors entered despite Kiara's immediate statement about their 'waste of time'. It was their time to waste after all.

"How are you?" Esis asked, her voice uncharacteristically soft. Horatio's grey eyes sought to pull Kiara's attention away from her work, but he seemed to be fighting a losing battle.
"We simply want you to know we are here, my dear." Horatio murmured solemnly.

Silently, Eglantine crossed over to the closed window drapes and opened them.
"Stand up, Kiara." she stated, steely. Horatio's confusion as to his wife's statement was obvious, while Esis' open mouth spelt something along the lines of 'how less comforting could you be'. Without waiting for her daughter to so much as blink, Eglantine crossed back to the desk and cleared it everything.
"You have done enough work... for now." she murmured.

Kiara gave Esis a look for a split second as if to say "what do you think?" but wiped it away knowing Esis was trying to be nice..

"I am as good as I can be Esis" She answered.

She nodded to Horatio, "I know Horatio.. and I am greatful" she murmered back. "but..." she merely shock her head not knowing how to complete her statment.

Kiara closed her eyes taking a deep breath, though her fist was clenched as if she surpressed great anger.

She opened her eyes and glared at her mother.. "I know I have done enough for now.. but I would rather continue anyway" she said summoning a book to her hand that she had bookmarked.

"Until what?" Eglantine retorted, her voice emotionless. Still by the door, Horatio and Esis just stood like statues, as if lost in what to do or say. "He would not have you be like this."

Esis swallowed as anger built within her. How dare Eglantine hurt Kiara like this.
"Just leave her alone, Lenty." she murmured, moving forward to stand before Kiara's desk.

Ignoring Esis, Eglantine gently reached for the book Kiara held.

Kiara's eyes flared and levitated the book behind her.. " I bloody know Eglantine! and were he alive and well I wouldn't be! But he is gone, he along with the other half of my heart!" she snapped attempting to step around her mother... she knew perfectly well what her mother was doing.. but that valve was turned. and she couldn't stop it.

"I need to put my heart into something Eglantine... if I don't I will sink!" she said tears already going down her face.

"Ciaran was my life... my everything..." She haulted there going any further down that road and she would snap.

"Then put it into your children... your grandchildren." Eglantine easily blocked Kiara's attempts to go around her, keeping about half a metre between them but still an unmovable force. "You cannot replace your husband with work."

Esis bit her lip, folding her arms. Since Horatio merely stood where he was and Eglantine seemed to have no plans to back down, she had no idea what to do. She had had a taste of what Kiara was currently going through... having lost her first husband. She knew Eglantine had also lost her first husband, even going into a deep depression. Ironic that she seemed to never step back due to her own actions...

"If he was your everything, Kiara." Eglantine murmured. "Then continue to live for him."

As Eglantines words washed over Kiara, her work built walls started to crumble... and the pain she had held back to protect herself from overwelming grief flooded forth like a water breaking through a dam.

Kiaras eyes were so wet with tears she could not see.. the world was just shimmering light...

A lump so big in her thoat she could not breath.. not matter how many times she swallowed.. All she could hear was her painful heart beat in her ears..

This was what greeted her when work was done... and it was relentless...

She was tempted to say she didn't want to live with this... but she knew that was cowardly...

But truth be told.. she wanted to do just as her mother said, to continue with her life and know Ciaran was happy she was. However, she didn't know how... any attempt she took to continue her life the pain came back... each time almost enough to make her wish she was dead.

Only two things took that pain away... her work, and her children. But her children and grand children could only do so much... Her work was aways there, it never suddenly vanished.... it kept her head above the stifleing pain.. it didn't hide it, or shink it... it merely stopped her from drowning...

Feeling utterly eshusted, as well as horrible her leg finally turned to jelly and her knees thumped on the floor.

Her eyes once again on the floor infornt of her, she stook her head... "I don't know what else to do...." she muttered through her tears.

"I feel lonely, but don't wish the burden others... I want to to move on... but my heart still burns..."

Guilt did not assail Eglantine, even as her daughter's eyes began to water and her legs failed to support her weight. She nimbly caught Kiara, wand-lessly pulling the chair over to them and helping the grieving woman up from her knees and into it. Kiara's words were too soft for Horatio or even Esis to hear, but Eglantine closed her eyes, torn seemingly in what her next action would be. Gently she wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her loosely, in case Kiara wanted to pull away.

"I know..." she murmured. "And it never goes away." Kneeling in front of Kiara, she took her hands in her own gloved ones and lifted them to press them against her cheek, as when she comforted Sevie or Horatio or a sobbing Ara. "The pain helps us go on, Kiara. Do not become numb to it, allow it to remind you that he is within you. And he lives continually in your memory and in your children."

Silently, Horatio approached two of the most important women in his life and rested a large hand on Kiara's bowed shoulder. He said nothing, simply allowing her to take what comfort she would from his presence. Esis seated herself, conjuring a box of tissue in case Kiara requested it.

Kiara didn't like the thought of thinking of Ciaran and feeling pain... he had never been a pain...never.. She supposed that was another reason she avoided it...she could not accept that everytime she thought of her beloved husband she would be over thown with pain from her heart... emotional pain anyway...

She would have gotten over Ciaran's death one day... when the pain finally became a tollerable level...

The was what she did when her Serena died.. Dove into her work... and didn't stop untill she came to hogwarts... When others came in to her life...

But this time was different... others were pulling her and pushing her out of it.. weather she wanted it or not...

"I don't want to think about him and feel pain... that was the furthest thing he was in life" she whispered, un sure if it made sence to them but it did to her..

When Horatio placed his large warm hand on her shoulder... she started to sob... and turely crying for the fist time.. she had still been in shock in Ciaran's funeral... she hardly remembered a thing of it... all a blur.

She took a tissue, though one was bearly enough for her greif..

Eglantine nodded, her eyes lifting from Kiara's face to Horatio. Concern filled her, although it did not manifest itself in facial expression, as her daughter finally broke down.

Glad to be helpful, Esis handed over yet another tissue. Horatio wanted nothing more than to gather his daughter into his arms and hold her as if she was a child. But he wasn't sure if she needed that level of comfort and he was loath to do anything that could even possibly make the situation worse for her.
"What do I know about pain, ignore my words." Eglantine murmured. "Just remember how much he loves you." Pain was beginning to sting through her knees and up into her thighs from kneeling and she slowly released Kiara's hands, rising to her feet.

Esis, with tissue in hand, quickly took Eglantine's place, in front of Kiara. She wiped her own falling tears away with her soiled sleeve and took Kiara's hand.
"I'm so sorry, Kiara." she murmured, feeling helpless to console and yet trying her best to help nonetheless. Horatio came around from the back of the chair to stand beside her.

"Kiara dear," he began, tears filling his own blue eyes. "Its more than pain; don't think about it now... just grieve, tomorrow the sun will rise and that day shall see itself. Sometimes the only thing we can do to help ourselves is nothing."

Seeing that Kiara was being well taken care of by her husband and cousin, Eglantine silently slipped out the door. Leaning against the wall, with the door shut behind her, she closed her eyes and covered them with a shaking hand. Soft silent gasps overwhelmed her and she slid to the floor as she cried. It was not fair; it was not logical, that she had Horatio while her daughter was left alone and without her love. What would she give to bring him back if only to bring Kiara's joy back.

Kiara had to admit on some strange level it was a relief to let the giref flood her and slowly find its way out. Dispite evidence to the contrary; she was crying so hard she was hyperventilating and almost felt like she would be sick afew times. Her chest hurt with the force of her sobs, yet she could not stop. Never had she felt so miserable... yet it feel so good to be so.

There was so much grief she held back, not only after Ciarans death, but at the fate he had received. How painful it was to watch him fade away, yet she never revealed that pain to him, she made sure of it.. During his last years she did her best to make them as happy and as comfortable as possible, despite his failing health.. Through out it all she remained her strongest for him, always as understanding and loving as she always been. Now she let all her pain out... for him. He didn’t deserve to die like that… in a way that was so unlike the man he was. So strong in spirit, and in a way private… she still remembered he didn’t like it when she stressed over his problems, whatever that might be. Even though she insisted he was worth the effort to her, he always would be. It had just saddened her to see him slip away like that, and how it must have made him feel…

Through her blurry vision Kiara leaned forward and almost hesitantly pulled Esis into a hug as she was the one in front of her…

“Thank… you” she gasped out

Her gaze traveled to the door that she know Eglantine had left out of…later when she was in a better state of mind.. If she ever was.. She would thank her for what she had done, and she had been right.. How could even think she could replace Ciaran with work… she felt ashamed of her self for managing to convince her self it would work…

Kiara continued to cry in the presence of her father and friend…

In her mind she thought one last thing before she ran out of tears.. Though the pain in her heart was still plentiful she had ran out of tears to cry…

“I miss you Love… more then words can ever express” she thought out, hoping somewhere in the heavens he heard her.

Esis returned the embrace, gently patting Kiara's back as she heard the whispered words of gratitude.
"Oh, Kiara... I'd do anything for you." she murmured, pulling back carefully to use a tissue to wipe Kiara's face. "I'm so sorry this happened and that... that I didn't help you more during the time he was sick." she murmured. His delusions and memory loss had scared Esis; reminding her all to sharply of how she'd lost her own husband. Their marriage had been far from perfect and they'd even divorced once, only to remarry later on. Still Esis had loved him and to watch Ciaran fade away like him had been like tearing open a wound long ago covered and forgotten.

His hand on her arm, Horatio felt the wet trickle of tears down his cheeks before he realized he had actually begun to cry as well. Kiara's pain was so severe, tearing away at his heart as he gripped the chair arm to release some of the rising emotions.

"Kiara, darlin..." Ciaran murmured, his ghostly form unseen to those with his wife. "I'll always be with ya. Within yar heart and our children. Forgive me far leavin ya... not of me choosing." he smiled, reaching out a translucent hand to caress Kiara's wet cheek. "There's a key hidden in Meagan's tombstone. It's got instructions with it." He leaned forward to kiss her forehead and faded away, the smile on his face the last thing seen.

Kiara took deep breaths and rubbed her blood shot eyes, she shook her head slightliy at Esis..

"No... Its okay Esis... there wasn't much anyone could really do" she said softly still rubbing her eyes of the tears, and there hadn't been, She didn't blame Esis for not wanting to watch Ciaran fade, and she could also understand it brought back a painful past, if it was anything like she was going through... She probably couldn't do it again either...

For Ciaran.. she would have faced anything... but now that he was gone.... she wasn't sure she could face it later on down the road if it happened again...


Her sobs finally calming down, and she turned to Horatio and noticed he was crying as well.. "Oh Horatio.." she whispered as she whipped away more of her tears as she lifted her hand up to his arm. Her arm felt heavy , like it was weighed down by sand bags some how she figured her legs weren't much better. She somehow managed to place gentle hold on his arm, trying to guide him to sit beside her.. She remembered the day Horatio was nearly lost to them... and she was so very glad he had pulled through at that moment...

"Papa..." she whispered in a most exausted voice, the gumbling of emotion and her fading engergy making her feel very much like a little girl..... "Here sit..." feeling guilty.. it seemed she had unittentionally opened up everyone's else's pain with pent up emotions...

It was something they didn't need and she knew it....

Then at Ciaran image infront of her.. smiling at her.. Kiara froze, but then seemed to relax at his ghostly touch... Kiara hardly noticed the fresh wave of tears stream down her face, as she watched her beloved vanish out of her sight.. She was briefly curious why a key would be in Meagan McConn's Tomestone.. but then knowing Ciaran... she didn't try to figure what he had planned. One day perhaps she would look.

Esis smiled a watery but sincere smile. It was the truth, but it did nothing to make her feel better. Rising up from her knees; which protested the movement, she blew her nose and wiped at her eyes, hating the wet, watery and helpless feelings that assaulted her. So many years she'd lived and still, didn't have a bone in her body that didn't melt when her loved ones were in pain. Merlin, it wasn't fair.

Hearing Kiara's soft voice whisper his name, Horatio gave her the best smile he could muster. Her hand on his arm was comforting and he hoped his presence was even a fraction of the comfort to her as her's was to him. He had lost a good friend and a nephew... she had lost her world.

He sat, too weary to fight her and took the tissue Esis handed over as well. Nothing please him more than to hear her call him by a title of parentage. Kiara had always been placed within his heart as his daughter, from the first conversation they had ever had. Even now, so many years later, he still saw her as the young Headmistress, so bravely taking on the world and holding up the foundation of a crumbling school.

"I know it will take time, Kiara. But... will you be alright?" Esis asked. The door opened and Eglantine returned, looking tired but for the most part unchanged.

Kiara sighed as her couldn't help but lean in Horatio... only slightly her cheek on his shoulder.. she has always looked up to him as a father.. not long after there first talk together. It seemed a bond had been made right there...

Her wet eyes went to Esis and she thought about her question for a moment.. would she ever be alright again? would she ever become used to this lonely incomplete feeling in the pit of her heart.... She looked to Horatio, Esis and Eglantine who had just entered the room again. Then she thought of her children, and grandchildren... it would be horribly unfair to them if they lost there mother and grandmother so soon after Ciaran was lost...

"I will live..." she answered simply, she couldn't promise she ever would as happy as she was but she would continue to live...

That was what she decided... but later for now she was to worn and still very much greiveing to moving fully yet.

She nodded to Eglantine, slightly thanking her for taking her head out of the clouds and back down to earth where it belonged...

Horatio moved his hand to gently rub Kiara's back, awaiting her answer for Esis. Another tissue found its way into Kiara's hand via the still sniffing Esis and Eglantine moved forward to conjure another box, since between the three of them it had been sorely depleted.

Kiara's simple but solid answer lifted all of them up and Horatio especially seemed to brighten.
"And that's all we want, love." he murmured, kissing the top of her head in fatherly affection. Esis squeezed her hand gently as she wiped at her eyes.

Seeing Kiara's nod, Eglantine gave her a small smile.
"Would you like to stay with your mother and I?" Horatio asked, knowing Eglantine would be fine with the arrangement if Kiara was. Merlin how empty the McConn house must have felt for Kiara. Her children all grown up and now Ciaran gone. Of course the trickling of grandchildren and nephews and nieces was nearly constant... but it wasn't the same.

Kiara finally started to relax with the comfort of her mother and father and firend.. technical really she and Esis were second cousins, at least.. so she started to feel at little better..and concidering how miserable she was ... the was quite a acomplishment.

She thought for a moment about the offer to live with Horatio and Eglantine, and looked as if she might decline for a moment.. but then it occured to her.. perhaps it would be better for all of them... but only for a little while.. she wanted to do this with as much dignity as she could.

"Alright... Thank you ... If your are sure its no trouble... for a little while. Then I think I will see the kids... It has been awile since I really visited.." She said puls she already had a idea in mind for what to do with the house.. If Tav was up for it of course...

Yes Horatio was right.. the sun would rise again and life would go on...